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Things I Think about but People Probably Shouldn’t KnowAbout

It’s been a while.

Lots has happened since my last post. More kids, new house… I’m essentially a different person. Lol. Jk. I’m just chubbier.

I thought I’d share a little ice breaker so we could get reacquainted. Fun! Everyone loves those torturous things where you listen to where some asshole is from and have to guess if they went to a Rusted Root concert when they were 15 or if they had a cesarian section for their twins. Super fun.

Anyway, I’m not sure if this is going to be a consistent thing or a sporadic thing so I’ll just leave this here. Some pondersome thoughts (redundant? No, since I made that one word up English rules don’t apply) to read in case you don’t have enough weird thoughts of your own.

Anyway, here’s some shit I’ve been thinking about over the past few years.

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Ok so the human centipede thing. I’ve never watched the movie, I’m not that brave yet, so maybe these questions would be answered by seeing it. The question is: wouldn’t the first one, like… the head? get really fat because they have to eat 3x the amount of food to produce enough shit to sustain centipede participants 2-3 etc? I mean, I doubt this is in any scientific journals and if it is, I think I would readily subscribe for that kind of hard hitting journalism.

Also, why even give them legs? Just lop off the limbs and make a big person tube. It’s probably for the aesthetic… Duh. Human centipede. Not human poop worm.

If you rape one centipede participant are the others raped by proxy? I don’t know… there probably aren’t any laws on this. It’s kind of a grey area… If you rape one orally is it considered to be butt sex? No. It’s not. That doesn’t make sense, that’s just sensationalistic.

* * *

So, like, the way chickens lay eggs is that they lay a clutch of about 12 eggs and then stop, hatch their babies and then carry on their miserable little chicken lives. If we take away the eggs every morning, the chickens are forced to lay and lay and lay trying futilely to create a clutch. If chickens lay eggs every day until they have a clutch, is that like a chicken’s period equivalent? When we take the eggs and they continue forever crapping out our breakfast, is that equivalent to someone stealing our used tampons and that means we will bleed the next day? Like a menses Groundhog Day??? This is a nightmare.

Would you rather lay a baby sized egg every day or bleed from your vagina every day for the rest of your life? Also, the egg baby is eaten by strangers…

* * *

My least favorite song is Sk8tr Boi by Avril Levine… there’s always more you can say, Avril. That’s just laziness and I’m actually not convinced this is a true story since you are severely lacking in details… I bet you just made this shit up to make popular, discerning girls feel terrible for not dating the loser pothead in high school on the off chance he would become famous some day. Shame on you, Avril.

PS- your name is like April and Anvil had a baby. You are actually like that too, I suspect. Are your parents an anvil and a month? If so that’s probably the only interesting thing about you.

I fucking hate that you used numbers for letters and spelled boy with an I. I’m glad you had the decency to drop off the face of the planet because of your shame over this… wait… is Avril Levine dead? Do I care? I really can’t tell…

PPS: I have had Sk8tr Boi in my head every day since writing this. I will kill myself soon if this continues.

* * *

People share the “Like if you remember what this is” shit on Facebook because being old is the only way for them to feel superior to others anymore… like, yeah Sharon, you’re better than someone because you know what a clothes pin is. You have more value because you can still use a rotary phone… get up on outta here with that shit… that’s not something to bond over. I know what that shit is but I’m not about to tell you that. I don’t want to be in your weird “I recognize what things are” club.

My daughter says Facebook is for old people anyway, which is probably correct; however, that’s were her happy ass goes any time she wants to snoop so HAH! My old people social media still serves a very useful purpose. That should teach us all about ageism… and hypocrisy, apparently… :\

* * *

Has anyone ever broken a spaghetti noodle off in their pee hole?

*one disturbing google search later*

Yes. They have and the world is a weird, dirty place……..

but, like, how do they get it out????

* * *

Someone I used to work with posted on FB that she dreamt that someone dead had emailed her and it felt so real she checked her email when she woke up. That same night I dreamed a tv producer hired me to run a dirt bike race and then fucked me with his underwear still covering his tiny (tiny) penis. It felt so real that I orgasmed in my sleep.    I win.

Sorry about your grandma though. For real.

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Minecraft and Hot Tamales

What, you may ask, gets me through the long days without any interaction with living humans that can respond to me?

Minecraft and Hot Tamales.

Now you may ask why I needed to qualify humans with “living” and for that I must admit I occasionally speak to both God and dead people, begging them to tell me what I should make for dinner. I have also asked Jesus to watch the baby while I take a bathroom break. He sucks as a babysitter, by the way. Gabe screamed the whole time.

Why did I need to specify “humans”? Because I also sometimes talk to the dogs but those conversations usually occur after I trip over one of them, so its more me yelling obscenities at them rather than a conversation. I also just said, “Fuck you, Car!” because… well, the Mazda is a dick and loves to not unlock when I tell it to so I run out in the rain to get something from my car, thinking it unlocked, only to find that it didn’t truly unlock when I told it to. So I have to run back to the house– in the rain– to get the key… and then run back out to get the intended item… You get it. You’d say fuck you to your car, too, even though the neighbors are standing on their porch, watching you like you are crazy. Well, maybe if they came over to talk once in a while, I wouldn’t have to talk to my fucking car, now would I? Ha ha! Just kidding! I love you, Bob and Janet! (I have no fucking clue what their names actually are.)

And why “that can respond to me”? Because, for the majority of the day, a torrent of baby-appeasing, sing-song-y bullshit pours out of me in an attempt to keep Baby Ass-en-heimer content. Usually, his response is to puke on me and then he cries. I don’t count that.

Since I spend so much time NOT talking to anyone, you can see how easy it is for me to spend three paragraphs describing one sentence.

Pathetic.

But honestly, the real topic at hand (Minecraft and Hot Tamales, remember?) isn’t much more interesting than an in-depth investigation on why I said something. It basically boils down to, “Yeah, I like to play Minecraft on my iPad and stuff my face with Hot Tamales while doing so.”

The end.

But not really, because I need to tell you that you should NOT eat so many Hot Tamales. I’m pretty sure I’m never going to poop again. I can actually feel a gelatinous, cinnamon flavored gummy baby in my stomach. If I ever poop again, I will probably post a picture because it will probably look like a four pound Hot Tamale in the toilet. Does the body even digest these things? I mean, is it like the candy equivalent of corn?

Anyway, gross, right? So, I think I’ve established how much I love Hot Tamales. If you don’t know what they are… I really can’t even fathom someone not knowing what these are… but if you aren’t familiar, I will describe them thricely.

1- They are like cinnamon flavored Mike and Ikes.

2- They are like hot gummy bears but slightly crunchy? LIke, really stale, cinnamon-hot gummy bears?

3- Think Big Red gum except more gummy… and you are supposed to swallow it.

Sounds delicious, right? I should be a food critic or something. My descriptive abilities, when it comes to food, are unparalleled.

Now these candies in conjunction with a fully sedentary day of Minecraft playing create my ideal rainy afternoon. And since it has rained non-stop since Noah started building the ark (in early March, I’d say?) I have eaten an estimated seven tons of Hot Tamales. Their stock price is booming. Can a stock price boom? Well, if so, it is.

And as for Minecraft, if you haven’t hearD of it, you must not have a seven year old boy. Or a twelve year old girl. If you do have one of those two things and haven’t heard of Minecraft… consider yourself blessed. Regardless of how awful it is to listen to someone talk about a video game, I’m making the sensible decision to talk about a video game! 

My son and daughter turned me on to the game. I spent the whopping eight dollars (EIGHT DOLLARS!? AM I FREAKING INSANE TO SPEND EIGHT BUCKS ON A FREAKING IPAD APP??!!……. yes.) and have been playing ever since. I have gotten my money’s worth.

So, if you haven’t heard of the game, I will describe it thricely–

1- In Minecraft, you are splunked down into this world that resembles an uninhabited Earth. There are animals that you kill to eat and monsters that try to eat you/blow you up. You have to try to survive by finding items to create other items. For example, you must mine coal and chop wood to make torches. The point is to not die by falling off of a cliff or bitten to death by a giant spider/pig-zombie-man. 2- The game is entirely composed of bricks. Just squares that you can dig up or build up or whatever. You can play in creative mode and build anything you can think of (with squares only) and the monsters go away so you can’t die. So I guess you couldn’t build, like, a circle…I basically just build houses. And paths to my many houses. 3- It is a game created for computer people who like to write code. Somehow if you play on the computer or something you can type stuff or something and the game will be different in ways that are cooler than the original. Like, according to my son, you can make boats. And different swords or something.

Again, I am so awesome at really painting a picture for the reader, no?

Anyway, when in the middle of marathon breast-feeding days, I find myself rather consumed by things like this. I compulsively eat candy and dig digital holes in this game until my eyes go all wonky. Then the kids come home from school and join me on their iPads and we all play together.

I’m contributing to their brain rot, I know, after the first time my son looked at me and said, “Mommy, we had a really fun adventure today, didn’t we?” I knew I was hooked.

I mean, an adventure on a rainy day with my kid? Awesome!

And an adventure on a rainy day when I’m by myself and I don’t have to leave the house? Awesome! Mostly pathetic, but still kinda awesome!

And just so you know how deep I’m in here, it took me two days to write this… not because I was busy cleaning my house for the realtors (of course, I was doing that) but during my down time (read: nursing time) I was Minecraft-ing.

Don’t judge. It’s super fun… and I’ve already mentally checked out of this blog since I’m really just itching to play… and there’s a box of Hot Tamales calling my name….

I need help.

I’m available for an intervention any time you are. Just form your support circle around me on the couch.