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Things I Think about but People Probably Shouldn’t KnowAbout

It’s been a while.

Lots has happened since my last post. More kids, new house… I’m essentially a different person. Lol. Jk. I’m just chubbier.

I thought I’d share a little ice breaker so we could get reacquainted. Fun! Everyone loves those torturous things where you listen to where some asshole is from and have to guess if they went to a Rusted Root concert when they were 15 or if they had a cesarian section for their twins. Super fun.

Anyway, I’m not sure if this is going to be a consistent thing or a sporadic thing so I’ll just leave this here. Some pondersome thoughts (redundant? No, since I made that one word up English rules don’t apply) to read in case you don’t have enough weird thoughts of your own.

Anyway, here’s some shit I’ve been thinking about over the past few years.

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Ok so the human centipede thing. I’ve never watched the movie, I’m not that brave yet, so maybe these questions would be answered by seeing it. The question is: wouldn’t the first one, like… the head? get really fat because they have to eat 3x the amount of food to produce enough shit to sustain centipede participants 2-3 etc? I mean, I doubt this is in any scientific journals and if it is, I think I would readily subscribe for that kind of hard hitting journalism.

Also, why even give them legs? Just lop off the limbs and make a big person tube. It’s probably for the aesthetic… Duh. Human centipede. Not human poop worm.

If you rape one centipede participant are the others raped by proxy? I don’t know… there probably aren’t any laws on this. It’s kind of a grey area… If you rape one orally is it considered to be butt sex? No. It’s not. That doesn’t make sense, that’s just sensationalistic.

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So, like, the way chickens lay eggs is that they lay a clutch of about 12 eggs and then stop, hatch their babies and then carry on their miserable little chicken lives. If we take away the eggs every morning, the chickens are forced to lay and lay and lay trying futilely to create a clutch. If chickens lay eggs every day until they have a clutch, is that like a chicken’s period equivalent? When we take the eggs and they continue forever crapping out our breakfast, is that equivalent to someone stealing our used tampons and that means we will bleed the next day? Like a menses Groundhog Day??? This is a nightmare.

Would you rather lay a baby sized egg every day or bleed from your vagina every day for the rest of your life? Also, the egg baby is eaten by strangers…

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My least favorite song is Sk8tr Boi by Avril Levine… there’s always more you can say, Avril. That’s just laziness and I’m actually not convinced this is a true story since you are severely lacking in details… I bet you just made this shit up to make popular, discerning girls feel terrible for not dating the loser pothead in high school on the off chance he would become famous some day. Shame on you, Avril.

PS- your name is like April and Anvil had a baby. You are actually like that too, I suspect. Are your parents an anvil and a month? If so that’s probably the only interesting thing about you.

I fucking hate that you used numbers for letters and spelled boy with an I. I’m glad you had the decency to drop off the face of the planet because of your shame over this… wait… is Avril Levine dead? Do I care? I really can’t tell…

PPS: I have had Sk8tr Boi in my head every day since writing this. I will kill myself soon if this continues.

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People share the “Like if you remember what this is” shit on Facebook because being old is the only way for them to feel superior to others anymore… like, yeah Sharon, you’re better than someone because you know what a clothes pin is. You have more value because you can still use a rotary phone… get up on outta here with that shit… that’s not something to bond over. I know what that shit is but I’m not about to tell you that. I don’t want to be in your weird “I recognize what things are” club.

My daughter says Facebook is for old people anyway, which is probably correct; however, that’s were her happy ass goes any time she wants to snoop so HAH! My old people social media still serves a very useful purpose. That should teach us all about ageism… and hypocrisy, apparently… :\

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Has anyone ever broken a spaghetti noodle off in their pee hole?

*one disturbing google search later*

Yes. They have and the world is a weird, dirty place……..

but, like, how do they get it out????

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Someone I used to work with posted on FB that she dreamt that someone dead had emailed her and it felt so real she checked her email when she woke up. That same night I dreamed a tv producer hired me to run a dirt bike race and then fucked me with his underwear still covering his tiny (tiny) penis. It felt so real that I orgasmed in my sleep.    I win.

Sorry about your grandma though. For real.

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You Are Gross, Me

Someday you will wake up and realize you are disgusting. You will open your eyes and the realization will hit you like a 40 ton diaper pail- you, bitch, are fucking gross.

Why? Because you used your shirt as a burp cloth some time in the wee hours of the morning. You were laying on your back, baby on your chest, and you were trying to burp your child after nursing. You knew it was going to happen, because it always does, but you were exhausted… so you burped him lying down. As always, he inevitably threw up on you. The puke rolled like a tide– down your boobs and up to your throat. Only then did you have the energy to bolt up in bed so you didn’t drown in your baby’s sick. You used your clothes to clean up the amazing amount of puke. You felt good that you obviously produce enough milk. Cling to this information. It’s all you have to keep you going.

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