Costco Wins My Heart

Costco, man. I have such a hard on for Costco. I mean, a place that provides a living wage, benefits and closes its doors on Thanksgiving so its employees don’t have to deal with the likes of me on holidays? AND they sell delicious products in HUGE sizes? BoooOOOooiiiIIIiiiiinnnnggggGGGG! Hard-on city.

My husband takes me on dates to Costco. It’s the place that makes me love him again. I caught him throwing a massive bag of Brookside chocolates into the cart even though I told him we absolutely, positively MUST NOT BUY THEM because I am addicted to them and will devour them non-stop until they are all gone. They’re my equivalent to what a coke whore would do if someone dropped a pillowcase of A-1 Bolivian Marching Powder in their lap and told them to have at it.*

*A-1 Bolivian Marching Powder is Wikipedian for good coke.

What think a coke whore would do is stare at you for a moment in disbelief, giggle uncontrollably, then snatch up the whole bag, skulking to a dark corner to stick her entire head into the bag and inhale whatever is inside. It’s pretty much what I do when i get a bag of these chocolates in my hands.

So, yeah, he bought me a bag of my unhealthy vice. He would have bought me a pallet of Marlboro cigarettes but I quit about a year ago so he’s trying to kill me by exploding one fat cell at a time.

While, as I’ve said before, Walmart has e’rthang, Costco has everything that you never knew you needed. We had little more on our list this time than smoked salmon and toilet paper. We still spend over $200. On what? Well, a tent. We suddenly realized we needed a tent. And cutting boards. And a ten pound bag of my favorite chocolates (they’re dark chocolate and have a fruit flavored substance in the middle so they’re related to healthy, right?). And since Hank didn’t want to feel left out while I’m walking back and forth to the cupboard to get more chocolates (I actually refuse to eat out of the bag because that’s what a coke whore would do), he got himself a bag of chocolates too, except they’re crunchy in the middle. And he told me I’m not allowed to have any.

I’m still trying to decide whether I’ll eat some and not tell him, making him think he’s eating the candies twice as fast as he really is, the hog. OR I’ll not eat any and when he eats them all, he’ll THINK I must have helped him since they disappeared so quickly. This is what happens to me every time I finish off a bag of these babies. I think, “Someone MUST have helped me eat all of these… It’s just not possible that I ate them all myself!” But I did. I ate them all. I get so sad about myself at that point.

So, yeah, I keep talking about these damn chocolates! You’re going to think I’m obsessed with them or something!

Here’s a picture of my chocolates…

Yep. Baby photo-bombed my perfect shot of my chocolates. Stupid baby. However, now I can put this photo in his baby book, so…um… score, I guess.

Back to the real topic, which was supposed to be Costco– it’s the membership club you can be pretentious about. It just plain feels better than Sam’s Club. Probably because Costco wouldn’t shut down five of their stores to prevent employees from unionizing. For those who aren’t aware, Sam’s Club is Walmart’s version of a warehouse store. Also, if you aren’t aware, Walmart sometimes behaves like it hates its employees:

I have family members who work at Walmart. They are happy working at Walmart, from what I gather.

Regardless of that, I still find myself dissatisfied with how the world’s largest company, with retail stores employing 2.2 million workers worldwide, and bringing in more money than Baby Jesus’s bar mitzva, can behave like they are just a small company trying to get by. I mean, they l have $476.5 BILLION in sales, according to and $16 billion in profits. I mean, what can a company do with a measly 16 billion dollars? It seems such a paltry amount, amiright?

What I’m saying is that Costco is #217 on Forbes’ list of The World’s Biggest Companies but #2 on Forbes’ list of America’s Best Employers. Walmart didn’t even make the list for best employers. 2.2 million people work at a place that is in the top 20 for both revenue and brand worth but is notoriously bad for fair treatment for their employees.

I could go on and on about the stats, but shit, that’s boring. I’ll just say that if you’re comparing companies, Costco rocks my socks off. They don’t make as much money, they aren’t as huge as the monster that is Walmart, but they treat their employees like people, not indentured servants. Costco has happy employees. That makes me happy to shop there.

You, if possible, should shop there, too.

And their sheet cake is so fucking good I want to have a sexy party with it. Ew. I guess a regular party would work better.

I just really like their cake.

And since Costco isn’t exactly conveniently located and buying 30 lbs of each grocery item isn’t exactly sensible or affordable, I won’t be shopping there as frequently as I’d like; however, I also won’t be shopping at Walmart as much, at least until they get their shit together and learn how to be a grown-up business and not pull the equivalent of taking-their-ball-and-going-home when their employees don’t cease and desist with union talk when they say so.

Until that time, I’ll just take my chocolates and 5 lbs of smoked salmon, 4 dozen eggs and 10 lb bag of spinach and live on yummy fritattas until the salmon runs out or the world ends. Whichever comes first.

P.S.- Costco has churros for $1. If you still needed a reason, do it for the churro.


5 thoughts on “Costco Wins My Heart

  1. I love costco as well!!!!! Good news for me is there is one being built three miles from my house! I am never moving again! You can move in with me and I’ll help or not help you eat your chocolates:)


  2. Everytime I hear you talk about Costco, I think of that movie “The Watch” with Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn……are you sure they’re aren’t aliens living there eating all their batteries? No wonder they’re good to their employees! Lol – Just kiddin’. 😉 Love this blog! You are da bomb! Heheheh (oh yeah, and I might be over tonight for some salmon and a side of chocolate!) :))

    Liked by 1 person

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